Friday, August 3, 2012

personal positives: experiencing my mistakes

Maybe my answer will be different in two months' time, after I've moved home to Australia and settled back in to Melbourne. But right now, here in Beijing, far away from my home and my loved ones and loving (and hating) my life here and this city, the thing I do to make a difference is share.

Not share my opinions, though I'm perfectly capable of that. I share my experiences. I've made so many mistakes and I've done so many things right; I've tried so many new things and so many old things and some have been good and some have been bad and some have been anywhere in between. I've moved countries and cities and navigated new problems. 

I feel shame when I do something less than perfect, whether that thing be mix up jiao and mao (they are, in fact, the same thing), or misunderstand someone when they speak, or turn the wrong way down a street and have to come back again. What if someone notices? I feel horrible and terrible and wrong, which is almost certainly a marker of my anxiety. 

Whenever someone asks, I always try to say yes. This works for me and against me, at times. Sometimes I feel so guilty when it comes time to say no, because I do genuinely want to do as much as I can. Sometimes I think I want to share these experiences so badly because I wish someone else could help me from making any mistake ever. Sometimes I forget that part of learning and living and experiencing is making mistakes and mixing up mao and jiao and walking the wrong way down a street and learning to be okay with having those experiences yourself.

It pleases me to make a difference in this way, to help others avoid feeling this way and to maybe help others have awesome experiences the way I feel I have been able to. I feel like this is my personal positive, but maybe it isn't always a personal positive?
batman! in a piece by ns harsha

1 comment:

  1. I really like this post. I learn so much more in circumstances where I am comfortable (because others help me to be, and/or because I make a choice to be) making mistakes.